Listen up, bros! It doesn’t take a college brofessor to tell that the broconomy is booming. The stock market is at its all-time high in the history of the world ever. That basically means there probably is no better time to bro out and invest that trust fund in some totally dope bro stocks.
Sure, you could wild out on some random stock tips and hope for the best. If you hit it big, it would be Legen- …wait for it… dary, no doubt about it. However, building a diversified financial portfolio is a far better route to riches.
Just like a sick collection of graphic tees is at the core of a good wardrobe, so too is a well-planned portfolio fundamental to generating real wealth.
I know what you are probably thinking. Investing for the future is so not YOLO. The only thing more outdated than that reference is that kind of backwards thinking. And the only thing weaker than your Tinder game is your weak-ass lack of a solid investment strategy. Burn.
But don’t worry Bro Montana; Sneaky Falcon has got your back. Here are some of the best bro stocks to help you invest in the broconomy.
NightCulture Inc. (Ticker OTCMKTS:NGHT)
Any bro worth his weight in brotein powder rages through life to the beats of EDM. There is nothing more fire than a sick drop, except maybe the opportunity to own a portion of your own EDM promotion company.
Currently, the only way to directly invest in EDM via the stock market is through a small, regional promoter and venue owner called NightCulture Inc. Based in Texas, they own one venue in Houston and another in Dallas. They also put on the popular “Something Wicked” Halloween-themed music festival.
At an enticing price of only $0.005 per share, you can buy up 1% of the company (100M shares outstanding) for less than an epic night out with your bros at the club.
Pop a molly, I’m investin.
Molson Coors Brewing Co (Ticker NYSE:TAP)
Maybe the club isn’t really your scene. I mean, c’mon bro, really?
But perhaps you’d rather stay home and slam a case of brews with your bros. Well, if that is the case, you can invest in one of the breweries that makes the watered-down liquid gold you probably are currently chugging upside-down straight from the keg.
No beer company may be better positioned to get your portfolio krunk than Molson Coors. Brewing all the greatest hits from Coors, Miller High Life, and staple of every frat party ever, Keystone Light, this commercial brewer has got your problem drinking habits covered.
Fortunately the stock hasn’t been “as cold as the Rockies” either, up over 135% over the last 5 years. Who’s ready to drink until we can’t feel feelings anymore?
WeedMD Inc (Ticker CVE:WMD)
Pack up the autobrobile, as you’ll need to head up to Canada for this next stock. While the suits in DC keep arguing about healthcare, immigration, and other boring policies, Canada is moving towards full legalization of recreational marijuana.
And there are plenty of companies ready to make it rain.
WeedMD is already legally selling medical use cannabis-related products, but is totally set to get in the recreational game as well.
Gives a whole new meaning to the investing advice, “buy low, sell … high.”
MusclePharm Corp. (Ticker NYSE:MSLP)
“Do you even lift bro?” is so 2015. The question you need to be asking your bros in 2017 is “Do you even invest in a diversified portfolio of equities bro?” But while on the topic of getting your finances swolle, you should check out MusclePharm.
MusclePharm will not only supplement your workout, but your portfolio of bro stocks as well. They manufacture and distribute a wide range of nutritional supplements, protein powders, and pre-workout snacks to keep you huge.
MusclePharm’s lateste product, probably.
Snap Inc. (Ticker NYSE:SNAP)
If you are Jedi master of social media like Brobi Won Kenobi, you probably fired off at least twelve Snaps while reading this. Snapchat is for more than just harassment these days, however. It’s now also the hottest tech IPO of 2017.
From brogrammers to bro culture in the boardrooms, the tech industry has recently firmed up its place as a cornerstone of the broconomy. Fist bump!
Down only 30% since going public in March, now is the time to double down on SNAP. As everyone who bought in when the stock shot up to over $29 will probably remind you, Facebook dropped in its first few months before heading up 300% over the next 5 years. You’d be a fool to not assume SNAP won’t do the exact same thing.
And I’m sure your investment won’t just disappear after a few seconds like that killer selfie you snapped all the ladies…
Brown & Brown Inc (Ticker NYSE:BRO)
A list of bro stocks wouldn’t be complete without the big BRO himself, Brown & Brown, Inc.
Serving clients as a diversified insurance agency and wholesale brokerage, the Company markets and sells insurance products and services, in the property, casualty and… actually, it doesn’t even matter.
The ticker is BRO, that’s all you need to know.
Lingerie Fighting Championships Inc (Ticker OTCMKTS:BOTY)
If blatant misogyny is more your thing, do I have a stock pick for you! BOTY (booty… nice!) is the ticker for Lingerie Fighting Championships, Inc. No joke, the LFC is a thing, and you can apparently still invest in it.
I think the product speaks for itself, but the fact that a reputable financial news outlet like Reuters seriously had to type the following is worth noting: “The Company produces scripted style fights featuring attractive and athletic females of the LFC league clothed in lingerie.”
One can only assume that such an innovative and forward-thinking company would be graciously rewarded with a rising stock price over the years. Shockingly, not the case.
Not cool bro. Now trading at $0.0008 per share (yes, you read that right) the bottom (bottom… nice!) has to be here, with a turnaround being all but inevitable.
There you have it bros.
Now, I’m no Brostradamus, and I have no crystal ball to predict the future of the stock market. Sure, I could have supported this with “data” or “analysis” but seriously; one stock has the ticker BRO and another is a chick underpants fighting company. “Numbers” just can’t compete with that.
And think about it. Who does better in your work Final Four bracket pool? Steve from accounting who has some sort of algorithm to make his selections? Or Tiffany in HR who picks based on the cuteness of the mascots? This is pretty much basically almost the exact same thing.
Also, the bush league legal team from Sneaky Falcon wants me to remind you that none of this constitutes financial advice, and this was written for entertainment purposes only. What a bunch of losers.
So what else are you bros investing in? Let us know in the comments!